It had all
started out so wonderful. Our lives were finally going to become one and
everything that everyone else bragged about would finally fall into our laps; the
house, the kids and the dogs etc. What the house wives didn’t tell you was the
loss of identity that some of them felt. I remember listening to one of my
friends go on and on about how wonderful motherhood was and how she felt so
blessed. Underneath, she was harboring feelings of loss and loneliness.
When things started to fall together
for me, I felt so beautifully blessed, then as time went on, it started to turn
from beautifully blessed to feelings of loneliness and despair. It wasn’t that
my husband didn’t pay attention to me, because he did. It wasn’t that I felt
trapped, because it wasn’t.
As my husband and I contemplated a
full time job, we began to find that anything that I would make would go
straight to daycare. Even though I was able to perform little jobs here and
there, it still didn’t satisfy me and I found myself growing bitter. What is
the bitter you ask? The bitter was the feeling of feeling as though my husband’s
life hadn’t changed one bit to me feeling as though I was the one having to do
all the sacrificing.
As the days went on, I found myself
picking more and more fights with my husband because I felt so bitter. My
husband knew why I was feeling this and tried his best to make me feel like
everything I did mattered. As the days went on, I would yell more and more at
him feeling as though his support was actually mocking me.
One day as I took my child to
school, I passed a mother who was leaving her crying child and I saw that she too
was crying. I stopped and asked her if
she was okay and she said, “I’m a single parent with a dead beat dad who doesn’t
want to pay his child support and I have to work nights and sometimes I have to
go in at 6 p.m. and I get home just in time to take my child to school. This
morning she asked me why I couldn’t stay home like other mom’s do. I wish for
once in my life I could stay home and take care of my child, I just don’t get
that luxury.”
I was shocked by this woman’s
statement and it really made me open my eyes for the first time in a long time.
You see, I had always felt that I had lost my identity when I stayed home and
took care of my child. I didn’t realize that it was actually my husband who was
making the sacrifices. He was losing out on family time by working overtime to
support our family. He was losing out on being able to come to school functions
to see his child and here I was reaping all the benefits.
I understand now that some of my
actions were downright selfish. I only wished I could’ve realized sooner. As
time has gone on, I have rekindled my marriage. I don’t look at my husband with
such anger, but I look at him with more love then I had before.
As I went to a school function one
night, I was sitting next to a friend of mine who said that she was feeling
very lonely in her marriage. Her story sounded somewhat similar to mine. I had
never told anyone my story out of fear that I would be judged harshly. Figuring
that I had nothing to lose, I shared my story with her. It brought tears to her
eyes and she said, “I thought I was the only that ever felt like that.” As time
went on, she herself learned to love her husband more.
I think that some of us, if not all
of us, experience a loss of identity at some point in our lives. I think that
those who stay home to raise their children are making a great sacrifice, but in
the end, their children will turn out to be better individuals. Why? Because
they learned strong family values and will learn that family will always be
there no matter what.
For the single parents out there, my
heart goes out to you. You, yourselves make a great sacrifice everyday of your
lives. You go to work, and take on the overtime to provide for your families. I
can only hope in the end that you will be rewarded greatly and at some point in
your lives, you can sit back, relax and spend more time with your children.
Never judge a stay at home parent.
They themselves are fighting a great battle. It may not be a battle you
understand, but it’s a battle that can go to the darkest point and then God
steps in and shows you the truth in his own way.
My heart goes out to anyone fighting
a battle that doesn’t relate to this post. For those that fight the darkest
battles, they truly learn what it is to fight for their sanity and in the end;
they learn that life was worth fighting for.
